The Long Swim Back to Myself

Words by Ben Robinson

Edited by Noor Ehsan

At the start of 2025, I promised myself I’d find some sort of purpose. I suppose many of us make similar vows each year (New Year’s resolutions and all that). This search I’ve had for some form of meaning and inner peace has been ongoing for several years now, but this year feels different. This year, I’ve made more progress on that journey than ever before. 

In mid-2024, I began writing my first novel - soon to be released - a memoir of my great-grandmother’s life. It’s a story steeped in themes of war, loss and faith, with a particular focus on the idea of finding peace through religion. In writing her story, I found myself learning invaluable lessons from my great-grandmother’s life, even in her physical absence. 

My great gran lost her husband as a Japanese prisoner of war in 1943, and for the remainder of her life she seemed to find solace in God and religion. Traced through her letters and writings that she kept, it is evident that the idea of a higher power brought her some peace in the loss of her husband. As I wrote, I began to wonder: what could religion do for me? Now, I’m not talking about going to church and believing in a divine power, as personally, I know I'll probably never think that. But I became increasingly open to the idea of putting my faith in something, whether that be religious or spiritual.  

I began stepping into religious spaces whenever the opportunity arose, though this was just to encourage my curiosity, rather than my commitment to it. I have never seen myself as someone with religion or faith in their life, but I wanted to test the waters. I felt myself wanting to understand it, rather than live it. It was in Spain, on Palm Sunday, that I first got a real understanding for why people place their trust in these beliefs. My partner and I had been spending the week there, and on that particular day, we went into Málaga, unaware that we would stumble upon the Palm Sunday procession. Crowds of residents lined the streets, watching as ornate statues of Christ and the Virgin Mary were carried shoulder-high through the city. It was one of the most spectacular sights I’ve ever witnessed. I remember an overwhelming rush of emotion, a sudden awareness that, perhaps, the world is larger than just us - and that if there is some higher power, in whatever form, maybe it’s up to each individual person to decide what that means for themselves. I loved seeing the unity and devotion in the parade, but also the idea that faith, at its best, can bring people together in shared meaning without demanding uniformity of belief. 

This was one of many experiences of being a part of environments with religious significance. And despite this, I’m still no closer to placing my faith anywhere (and there’s a chance I never will), but this journey of self-discovery had allowed me to feel a greater sense of inner peace. Discovering myself through questioning and understanding my beliefs was only the beginning - and I knew I wanted to stay on this path. I understood that putting my faith in, and finding calm in, something larger than myself would be a long process. I welcomed the journey, finding comfort in simply seeking peace within myself and with the world around me. So, with that in mind, I spent a lot of time reflecting on how my life has changed over the last half a decade, and what I have perhaps lost sight of in growing up (and more importantly, how to get back to it). 

That is where swimming and the outdoors came in. When I was younger, I loved being outside, whether through scouting, hiking with friends, or simply growing up near the beach. I’d say that those experiences shaped me, yet as I moved into adulthood, I slowly let them slip away. In early 2025, alongside my effort to better understand my faith, I promised myself I would return to the things I loved – and I thought that in doing so, I might figure out whether I even needed to place my faith anywhere at all. I bought a swim membership at my local pool and committed to spending as much time outdoors as possible, reconnecting with the part of myself I had lost over the years. Living in the North East has made this easier, giving me chances to find freedom again; whether on a quiet solo trip to the coast, or a weekend adventure with friends in the Lake District. This has truly been the year of finding what makes me happy again. With that, I’ve felt less urgency to attempt to find spiritual freedom in placing my faith somewhere (although, that is a journey I’ve also vowed to myself to continue). 

2025 has taught me much about myself. Mainly that my happiness and freedom is paramount. At the end of the day, I am the one who must look back one day and be content with every decision I made, and every experience I lived. For the first time in my life I have actively spent time trying to find peace through faith, and whilst the verdict is still out, it is a journey which I am enjoying - even if it is simply because I am learning about new ways of life. I suppose what I am saying is that you always hear people saying, “just go for it”, and you often think in response “but it's not that easy!”, yet in many ways, it is. Re-exploring childhood passions, returning to past goals, or simply promising yourself a few hours of uninterrupted time each week - these small acts shift your thinking. For me, swimming and being by the coast has reignited a passion I thought was long gone. And in doing so, I feel a little more like myself again, perhaps for the first time in adulthood.

Photography by Noor Ehsan